Shall I let you in on a secret? The why is not the way. Not really.
I’ll give it one thing – it does do a good job of keeping us out of the trap of squelching down our emotions only to squeeze poison out of them.
The amount of people I have encountered who have pummelled their childhood wounds and grief under rocks of suppression disguised as stoicism, only to have rivers and rivers of anger, bitterness and hatred leak out from below… is frightening.
I see people walking around with this hatred utterly emanating out all around them. I grieve for them, as well as for the people around them who they constantly harm.
The why-ism saves us from this much more dreadful fate. I would rather take the endless torture of the why, over becoming a human version of cancer.
But the why is still not the true way.
Listen, our brains, as infuriating as they are, are trying to help us the best they can.
Some knowledgeable people describe it as the ‘monkey’ or ‘ape’ part of the brain. I have a very wise friend who once described it as the childhood brain that never leaves you. Your brain is trying to protect the tiny five-year old version of yourself. Picture that little child – you – with emotions bigger than you can ever comprehend.
The brain tries to lead you to reason your way out. But reason is inaccessible, incompatible with emotion. There are important steps before you can truly find reason.
Step 1. Get Out of Crisis Mode
This means, avoid disaster at all costs. If you are in the brink of lashing out and permanently harming yourself, another person, or an important relationship or situation due to heightened emotion, first and foremost you need to somehow escape this. And this means, whatever it takes. If you have to jump in headfirst into the giant swirling pit of why-ism, so be it. You can get out of there later. If it means physically running away temporarily, so be it.
Now, this is much easier said than done. It requires a degree of awareness that nobody is born with. But you can cultivate it. You can practise putting a proper name to things you are feeling, just briefly in the bottom of your mind, making a habit of it. Thus, when you feel the most heightened of emotions that your body, brain, mind, and spirit are inevitably meant to feel: you will know what is happening.
Once you are aware, you must accept that you are in distress, grief or in the grasp of this strong emotion in general. This, in my opinion, is more in line with true stoicism: the acceptance. Just a simple acceptance deep down will suffice. Then we have to get to it, as quick as we can.
As soon as you are aware, and have accepted the situation, you will have to act fast. You only have moments, really. For this step, time is of the utmost essence.
There is no perfect way to do this initial step. Most of the time, it will seem like you are choosing the lesser of the evils. Any decision at that moment will seem like a bad decision. You are in a bad place, after all. You will have to teach your mind through habit to realize that sometimes, an action that seems cowardly or wrong, like leaving the place, voicing pain or fear even if it’s messy, or bursting into tears… is actually the bravest and best thing you can do at that time. This is an internal form of crisis aversion.
One person might dig their nails into their arms for a moment to feel something – this is much better than hurling a viciously cruel insult at someone, whether a loved one or a stranger. One person may put on their headphones and crank the volume up past the recommended level; another may close their eyes and lose themselves in a hymn or mantra while people around them demand an immediate response and feel ignored – this is better than physically striking out, or worse. It is better if others feel ignored for a short time rather than suffer an injury that will scar them forever, physical or otherwise. One person may shovel too much processed but tasty food into their mouths, or scream at the top of their lungs – this is much, much better than ending their own story at that moment.
Of course, we don’t want to make self-trapping, cyclical habits out of such actions. But we have to surpass the crisis. That is the priority. Habits, even addictions, actually can be changed. An irreparable action, cannot. Ever.
Trust me: you will get better at this the more you practise. You will get better at recognizing an internal crisis and accepting it fast, at taking quick, decisive action, and you will develop a habit of finding and doing that very action that works best for you. You will even get better at building habits that prevent getting into this most dangerous of situations in the first place. You will probably never be completely rid of it – this is a part of life as we know it – but you will be able to avoid it for the great majority of the time.
So, firstly, do whatever you have to do to survive that crucially dangerous moment, and redirect. You will soon see that you will be strong enough to deal with the inevitable consequences or ‘damage’ of what seems like the bad decision you had to make.
Step 2. Channel Emotion
Once you have made it out of acute danger, it is not the time to abandon all efforts. On the contrary, the efforts begin in earnest now.
The time has now come for the channelling of emotion, into something else, anything else, whatever that may be.
This step is crucial to do, prior to accessing reason. Often, this is a step that is skipped, and thus we end up whirling around a why-pit.
The most difficult part of all this, is to find a way to orient yourself into a channelling mode or space. Eventually you will find habits that work, but initially you will have to push yourself a little to get to the start of the channel.
Perhaps it involves something active: working out, exercising, yoga, dancing, running, swimming or even just walking. Or perhaps it is an expression through song, instrumentation or creative writing. Or perhaps still, it is doing something with your hands: knitting, crafting, cleaning, gardening, cooking, painting or building. There is one thing in common through all these avenues. They mostly reside in the physical realm of the body. Some part of it (especially the more creative aspects) may be in the mind… but for the great part this is body-centric.
The great benefit of this is there is really no time for the why. By occupying yourself so completely with a task, you escape the why-ism for a set period of time. This is essential – it allows the distress surrounding the why-ism to heal itself. Just as the body heals its own physical wounds when you give it the time to do so without poking and prodding at it, the mind can also heal itself.
Now, the greatest obstacle to this step would be our life responsibilities in general. If there is a crying baby that needs to be fed, or tight finances and a necessity to go work a job right away, it is not easy to prioritize channeling over this. It may seem impossible, even. However, we have to learn to do what we can do. There is always something you can do. Do the smallest thing you can to at least get you on to the right path.
Maybe you can sing your baby something soothing while feeding. Stereotypical, but maybe you can sing in the shower. Maybe you can sing in your vehicle if you are driving to work, at the very least. If you are going by public transport, perhaps you can knit or sketch something with your hands on the way, or try to take a few choice pictures of something nice you might see on the way. The goal is to live in your body as much as you can, to get into the channelling mode.
You may not consciously realize it, but this is what they call ‘processing’ emotions. Enormous emotions require enormous amounts of time for your mind to process – you will have to let it simmer without interfering with it in order for it to process successfully. For those old enough to remember, you may recall the process of burning a CD: you had to give it time without touching it, in order for it to work. The more music or audio you wanted to put onto it, the longer it would take. For those who have some cooking experience: throughout the cooking process, you will at some point, have to give the food time to heat up and cook properly without touching it constantly. This is the only way for the flavours to meld together without any interference. It requires patience. But the end result is always guaranteed.
There is one other very common pitfall we fall into, which for some may be an even greater hurdle than their responsibilities. This is the trap of a prolonged soothing or numbing of oneself.
Look, it is a terrible thing if you are completely depressed, disillusioned and do not ‘feel like’ doing anything at all. That is a horrible way to be. But the question is: what are you doing then? You may not realize, but you are always doing something. If one is not sleeping, when one says they are doing ‘nothing,’ more often than not they are doing something… what is that something? Think about it.
One single fast-food meal, a sweet dessert, a short period of video gaming or single episode of TV or Youtube: if done consciously, this could be used to escape a crisis. But it can get dangerous. From one, it is so easy to go to two, three, and so on. Then the next thing you know you have been numbly scrolling, gaming or eating for over ten hours feeling bleary, hollow and almost as bad as where you started, if not worse.
The issue with these numbing activities is that although it seems as though you are living in your body while doing them… in reality you are escaping your body. Rather than channeling, you are absorbing other stimulation instead, which is so often over-stimulation. It may seem like you are giving your mind time and space to process, but you are actually adding more things to it through another avenue. Although not continuously poking and prodding the stew on the pot which needs time to cook, you are adding some other unsuitable ingredient entirely into it. Instead, it would be better to go do something else for those crucial minutes while it cooks.
For this reason, it may be better to totally change the crisis aversion method in question, if you find you are in danger of getting hooked onto it. There are always more methods, if you are willing to search for them.
When feeling disillusioned or empty, naturally the desire to do things you normally enjoy will be missing. You have to accept this. What is required here is the awareness to find something that you can do and choose that over something else. Because the reality is, there is no such thing as doing ‘nothing.’ Once you are out of crisis mode, every action truly is a choice. It may not seem like it, when your already established habits or automatic impulses try to take over; but like I said, habits CAN be changed, with lots and lots of patience. Find the smallest, most reachable channel you can, and go down it.
Please, please, immediately forgive yourself if you fail. But never stop re-trying.
By finding that channel which works for you, you will at long last be treating yourself how you deserve to be.
Step 3. Allow the Reason Why to Naturally Appear
As you channel and channel… and channel… it may seem like you are ignoring the problem or being avoidant. But just trust me. This is not what you are doing. You are being patient and allowing your mind to heal from the upheaval. So as you continue to channel, quite suddenly it will appear.
The reason why.
The solution.
The way.
It will fall into your hands as simply as if it had always been there. Just as the CD burner pings and like a miracle, a fresh personalized CD comes sliding out… or the flavours of spices, raw foods, acids, oils, which were so glaringly separate just ten minutes ago magically have fused together to give us that ‘cooked’ unique taste, that ultimate dopamine-hit. Just so, the way will show itself once you have given your mind the time and space to find it.
Now, the first time one experiences this, it may be easy to have doubt and scoff at our own mind’s intuition and wisdom. Sometimes the solution may actually be a challenging task in itself. It may involve confrontation, actively advocating for your own needs or those of someone else. It may involve repentance and apologizing. It may involve forgiveness – that most difficult of undertakings, whether it is forgiving yourself, or another.
But once you learn to trust your instincts, as well as find courage to act – the relief on the other side is simply unmatched. And then all your regular emotions of joy, inspiration, hope, faith, even love, will come flooding back through the curtain lifted.
So there you have it. Survive first by being aware, accepting and acting fast. Next, channel however you can, with all your strength. Lastly, when the why and the subsequent way appear, gather up all your courage and go for it.
I believe in you. You can do it and you will.
ABHI WRITING 
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